New Year, New Me

Dear Child(ren),

I used to make fun of people that would say that as it was, to me, such a bullshit statement. Just a thing people liked posting on social media to preyend they were going to be better people than they were the year that had just past. I realize now that I was wrong for doing that. Maybe the statement is utter crap and maybe the people saying it are just pretending, I don’t know, but who cares? If someone sets out with the goal to improve some aspect of their lives they deem needs improving and they use the first of January as a starting point then that’s awesome! Good on them for setting goals.

I don’t like making resolutions. Reaolutions, to me, have always been bullshit. I tell myself that I’m going to change something in my life or some way about me and I never do it and that’s because I’m only stating the goal at one point in the year out of obligation to state a goal. Well, no more!

You are going to find that there comes a time in your life where every year is a critical year in your lifes trajectory. Every year of your life is important but these years are the years where you grow the most and learn the most about yourself. I am currently in that stage. I have been since 2013. What? The year I met your mother? PURE COINCIDENCE. Of course it isn’t, your mom is one of the biggest reasons for my growth. I could talk about every change from 2013 to present day but in the spirit of New Years being around the corner, I’m going to focus on 2016.

First off, I collapsed my lung for the second time, so that was fun. Your mom will never let me forget that I ruined Valentines Day because of it and I’ll never forget how I told her she ‘took my breath away’. I’ll give you a minute to collect yourself. You good? Yeah I’m funny.

I also got tattooed…twice. 

Something else happened….oh right! On August 12th I went from a Mr. to a Mr. when your mom made the biggest mistake of her life and signed her soul away to me. This alone would have been enough to make this year critical but I mostly want to talk about the other thing that made 2016 a critical year in my life.

Yeah I’m mentioning my mental health again, I’m so self-involved…

2016 your mom and I both started to work on our mental health. I have dealth with depression and anxiety for years but the blame I put on myself for it caused me to never seek help. Well that changed this year. I started to address my mental health and all of that guilt and blame I felt and a wonderful thing happened; I let it go. A psychiatrist told me that I had been traumatized and that I’m broken. These words made me almost cry in his office as the words that I had never been able to accept as truth were being told to me by a professional. That moment changed everything for me. 

2016 was a year where the broken pieces were mended back together. It was the year of fixing myself, living in the past one final time to push aside all of the parts of my history that were only hurting me.

Now that so much of me has been figured out and fixed I have a true direction as to where I need to go and, for the first time, I don’t need to be stuck or held back by depression and anxiety. For the first time I can look to the future and focus on walking down new paths and starting new journeys instead of tending to the broken path behind me.

In the year ahead maybe I’ll get to buy land and build a house, maybe I’ll figure out some career goals I’ve had for awhile.

Maybe I’ll get to say hello to you in person (or at least one of you) for the very first time.

It’s a new year soon and ahead lies so many possibilities.

Love you always,

Dad

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