Yep. I’m in Disney World, my 4th trip here to be exact (second with your mom) and we’re having a great time! It’s felt a little different this time though. There was lots of excitement and planning and rushing around the parks for the first few days and now things have slowed and something has started to turn over in my head. You’ll hear me often speak of perspective (I’ve almost definitely done it in these posts), the reason for this is that perspective is always changing as we grow and gain new experiences. Who I am today is not who I was 6 months ago or even 6 days ago.
I was excited for this trip because I needed a break from my life. Not my life with your mother but the drama in my life, the financial concerns, my job. I needed a mental break. I needed to come to a place where I could be absolutely me with nothing held back. The big happy-go-lucky kid I’ve always been. I needed this because being an adult by the standards of society is nothing of what I want to be. I knew I had to age but I didn’t ever want to grow up.
Perspective changes and while it may seem like a negative thing at the time it is almost always an enlightenment that can enrich your life if you try to understand it.
Being an adult is hard. Having anxiety and depression doesn’t help but even just being an adult is hard. Worrying about money and food and your job, being responsible for other lives including your own, understanding the problems in the world while trying to find some time for laughter. It’s exhausting. I don’t talk about it much because I try my damnedest to put on a happy face and to make people laugh, I talk about my depression and my anxiety but rarely do I talk about how hard it is to be an adult and how much it gets to me sometimes. Truth is, it is fucking hard.
So I wanted to escape and forget that all of those adult things existed and I wanted to relax with my wife and enjoy being allowed to be a kid.
Except here I am thinking about how wrong I was. People told me all of my life “don’t rush your childhood” and I ignored them because adults have more freedom than children. As I became an adult I believed I could still be childlike while being a responsible adult. Then life started to pile on and I started to question myself and everything I had begun to believe about life realizing that adulthood isn’t that great. Anxiety started to grow, depression began to sink in and I needed this break.
Perspective; don’t rush your childhood but also don’t be afraid to be an adult.
There is more freedom in being an adult, that is true, but there is a certain level of bliss that comes with a lack of control. As a child you are free from the stress of financial hardships and figuring out what kind of impression you want to leave in this world. You get to just be you, enjoy the things you love and find all the time in the world to play, laugh, smile and adventure.
When the time comes and adulthood beckons, don’t be convinced that the good times are gone and that now you are trapped in a life of responsibility with less and less of the good times. Life is a juggling act where we are almost always struggling to find the perfect balance. The world will weigh on you but you are still in control no matter how daunting any hardship can be. Money may be important as a foundation for stability but you don’t need it to have a full and happy life. Live small and adventure big, find the ways to make your dreams come true; but don’t feel like you need to have the answers all at once. I keep thinking I know what I want but have no idea how to get there and this stresses me out, but if I dial it back it’s so much simpler. I want to have a life with a lot of love while I focus on what makes me happy.
I want to cook and bake and have movie dates with your mom, I want to work out and get stronger and feel good about myself, I want to keep dreaming and maybe I’ll keep changing what I want out of life but that’s okay because dreams are more than a destination, they are the journey.
I want to have you and give you all of the opportunities you will ever need to make your life everything you could ever want.
I’m not a great adult and I struggle to be happy with a lot of things a lot of the time, but I know I’ll be a good Dad and I can’t wait for the day I get to meet you.
Love you always,