The Change

Dear Child(ren),

A lot can change in a matter of a few years. Hell, a lot can change in a matter of a few days/weeks/months. Specifically though, a lot can change in you.

Take me, I used to be depressed and blamed it on the fact that I was a worthless piece of scum. Those I was bitter, cold, cynical and very, very selfish.

Now I’m still depressed. Often I’m still bitter, cold and cynical…and selfish. Huh. Maybe things don’t change.

Okay let’s try expanding our view of these things though to make me seem smart.

I AM depressed. However, I no longer blame this on myself. Most days anyway. This is one area where saying I’ve changed is hard because I haven’t. I am still depressed I still have self-worth issues and often feel a resounding amount of guilt for every choice I’ve made. The difference now is I have accepted it and I am working every single day to believe that I am worth something. Now, some days I have great days where I believe I can accomplish absolutely anything. There are far more good days now. Now, when I look to the future it isn’t because I hope the future is different and my optimism isn’t desperation that someday I will be happy. Now my optimism is just that I see a wonderful future for myself and your mom and you guys and all of the adventures I will get to go on.

I AM still bitter, cold, and cynical. The difference is that back then it was because I thought that I was worthless and that this world was just a cold dark hole that I didn’t belong in. Now most of my bitterness, coldness and cynicism stems from the fact that I KNOW there are so many wonderful things about this world but I haven’t yet been able to take the next step to embracing a lifestyle that reflects that. I feel all of those horrible things because, one thing that has not change, I am so impatient to have all of the good things in life to happen. I’ve been more than a little excited for your existence ever since I knew I had found the perfect woman to be the mom of my kids. I look at all of these negative feelings that I feel now as a positive because before they only were there because I felt like I was worth nothing and had nothing now I feel like I can do anything and I have so much to look forward to.

Lastly, I am still selfish. That is primarily because everyone is selfish to some degree. Even people that fight for other people, they are fighting for what THEY believe is right. That is on a grand scale but my point is only that as a species we are selfish. We want what we believe in and what would make us happier even if it affects the happiness of others. I still want my dreams to come true and they are one of my top priorities but the difference is, once in a while, someone comes along who is worth sacrificing everything for. I’m still selfish with your mom, believe me, but I also love her with so much of me that she has more of my heart than I could possibly keep for myself. So yeah, I am selfish, but I also know what it means to love so utterly selflessly.

Things can change in a heartbeat. Your life and everything that you amount to can be decided in a single 2 second decision.

I know how scary that sounds but don’t look at it that way. When you’re staring down something that you know is life changing, don’t hesitate and be afraid. Listen to your heart and make that decision and understand how amazing it is that you get to dictate your own life. Moreover, think about how amazing it is that even when everything seems to be going wrong in your life, one simple 2 second decision can change your life forever.

Or maybe it’s just one text to the right girl.

Love you always,

Dad

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