I’m writing this for a lot of reasons. I know I’ve said this before. I know I even explained what those reasons are.
Well, right now I want to focus on one specific reason for writing these letters; honesty.
One of the key points of this blog is I want you to know me as I am now. I want you to be able to read this and see me feeling things as I feel them versus me attempting to convey how I felt years ago in retrospect. I want you to understand me and I want you to know the true me.
Today, I want to be honest about my shortcomings, I want to talk about how I am not perfect and how I am flawed.
I can paint a picture about me being a dreamer and a silly guy and, yes, this is beyond measure who I am. I may have even spoken about my anxiety and that’s great, I mentioned a flaw. However, the only way for me to be truly honest with you is to express how I feel in the moment and not dance around it.
I am flawed, I am imperfect, and in a lot of ways I fail a lot at being what I want to be.
I want to be a great dad, so I am writing these letters for you. I want to be a dreamer, so I talk about myself being a dreamer. I want to use my heart in healing ways and to endlessly love so I talk about my big heart and how much I feel things.
I want to be a lot of things but that doesn’t mean I am. There are moments where I am nothing that I want to be and everything I have worked so hard not to be. There are days, a lot more than I wish there were, that I am selfish and mean and hurtful instead of kind, loving and silly. There are days where instead of building someone up I tear them down. I want to believe that everything I do is because of my heart but it just isn’t that way.
A doctor has confirmed that I likely have an anxiety disorder. Great, I have something to blame for all of the bad days. Except, it isn’t the fault of a disorder that I am mean on the days I am mean. I saw firsthand what it looks like when someone uses their disorders as an excuse to abuse people. I’m not saying that to some extent this can’t be expected, disorders are something that we cannot control. I’m saying that the disorder was paired with selfishness and a personal agenda and used in a manner to constantly tear down others to help build themselves up.
I do not want to be that person. I do not want to make excuses for why I hurt people when I hurt them and expect them to forgive me because ‘I couldn’t help it’. I want to apologize and I want to do everything in my power to own up to my mistakes, my wrongdoing, and to make it right. I want to take every ounce of that guilt and instead of trying to make myself feel better allow myself to feel worse and to learn from it and to change.
Today I’m not speaking to you as the Dad that you love. I’m not the Dad that makes you smile and laugh or that gave you a bunch of goofy stories to tell your friend. I’m not the Dad who sat and had a conversation with you that gave insight that you will hold on to. I’m not the Dad that taught you a valuable lesson.
Today I’m the Dad that made you cry. I’m the Dad that was short with you after I had a crumby day. I’m the Dad who was more concerned with what I was doing in the moment than paying attention to the fact you needed me for something. I’m the Dad who was hurt and so I said something to hurt back.
I’m the Dad that makes you angry, the Dad that makes you feel bad from time to time.
I want to believe that I will be a perfect Dad but I just won’t be. I can’t be because I’m not already perfect. Instead, I can only give you my best but even then I will fill short as all do.
I am not saying this so that you feel bad for me or because I’m feeling bad for me. Everything in life comes down to a series of choices and I made my choices. If there is blame to be placed it is firmly on my shoulders.
I am not going to pity myself. I am not going to mope around and feel sorry for myself and hope that someone or something makes me feel better, that just won’t happen and it shouldn’t because I did this and I deserve to feel bad. Instead I will make it right. I will stand up and take ownership of the wrongdoings and I will make them right and going forward I will be every bit the Dad you deserve me to be.
For every time I make you angry I will give you 100 reasons to smile.
For every tear of pain, there will be plenty more tears of joy.
For every disappointment there will be an exceptional amount of time where you get more than you expected.
For every time I let you down I will have picked you up 100 more times when you’ve needed me.
I am not perfect and I never will be, but I can be better. I can be better than I am on all of those bad days. I will be the best Dad I can be and hopefully that is just enough to give you exactly what you need to be able to make it on your own in this world and find happiness. That’s all I could ever hope for.